Archive for January, 2014

Dear Neighbors

Dear neighbors,

I know it’s cold out, but considering you live in an apartment complex frequented by some shady characters who’ve attempted kidnapping and car theft already, it doesn’t seem like a good idea to leave your car keys in the ignition if you’re not in the car yourself.  I’m sure it’s a simple pleasure to spend as much time possible basking in the glory of your heating systems inside, waiting for the interior of your car to match the temperature of your home, but put some gloves on and man up!  I just don’t get this temptation of fate as you make it too easy for someone to go all Grand Theft Auto on you.  Video games make kids criminals, you know. Continue reading

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Dear Black Birds of Death

Dear black birds of death,

I know you probably think you get a bad rap for being creepy omens of doom that give me the willies every time I spy you lurking around in close proximity to my person, but you’re not doing a good job of selling yourself as something other than death.

Let me share with you something that I witnessed two days ago, something that will haunt me for the rest of my life:

As I was heading to my car after briefly stopping by my parent’s house, I heard the call of a hawk.  Or a bird that looked like a hawk.  I dunno, I’m not a birder.  Anyway, as I gazed up at its majestic beauty, this black shadow swooped in across the sky in the direction of this feathered creature of awesomeness, reaching out with its hind legs (as opposed to what other legs I could be referring to, I don’t know.).  At first I was confused because I’ve never seen a crow go after anything like that as they usually just sit on rooftops judging me from above with their beady little eyes.  Do crows even eat other birds?  I have no idea, but I still brushed the rush of sickness I felt in the pit of my stomach away because the hawk had size in its favor, so the crow would give up if it knew what was best for it. Continue reading

Dear Blood Taking Person

Dear blood taking person,

My life can be broken down into two categories: the boring, normal day occurrences that actually happen, and what I wish I was daring enough to do.  Don’t get too excited, most of the stuff from the latter category involves comments or actions I think will be funny, and nothing adventurous like waterskiing on the noses of two sawfish.  Which is where you come in.

On the way to your office a friend of mine put it in my head that I should do something off-putting while you were busy taking my blood to both confuse and weird you out.  Now that I think about it, that’s probably not the best idea for when someone is jamming a needle into your vein, but we all don’t make the best decisions all the time. Continue reading

Dear Internet Perusers

Dear internet perusers,

Recently I have been going through the hoards of stuff in my old room at my parent’s house, wiping the memory of the second half of my childhood from the premises for a bigger and better guest room than the one they already have.  This is not the first time that I’ve gone through this process of downgrading the collection of my past, but suffice it to say I still manage to hold onto the things that I probably don’t need anymore because they are infused with the memories of my past.  Who knows what secrets may be revealed about my younger self in my 6th grade math notes!

That’s right, I actually kept all of my school work from the beginning of my education, more or less. I couldn’t exactly bring the desk covered in shaving cream home with me to preserve during my year of preschool.  After much deep breathing and chanting “Only keep what you need,” I was able to throw all of these papers in the recycling bin because I was able to convince myself that I will never use these worksheets and notes again, especially from these early years, but I still won’t say that this process was easy.  Especially when I found the notes that I received from friends passed between classes. Continue reading